In the alternate universe where you stayed, maybe it’s not Monday at 5 p.m. and I’m not exhausted from waking up at 4 a.m. from a nightmare about you. Maybe it’s Sunday morning and the hangover haze hasn’t struck us yet and we are maybe still a little buzzed off the whiskey from the night before. Actually, we are definitely still buzzed, because we’re laughing at the stupidest shit that wouldn’t be funny unless you were drunk with someone you love.
In that alternate universe, my hair is a mess and so is yours. But for once, our minds are not. They don’t feel so clouded and tangled. Peaceful, I guess. Everything feels gentle and easy. Safe. Calm. Okay.
I guess that’s what I crave the most. To just feel okay again. To feel safe again. To feel hope again.
I don’t know.
Maybe in that alternate universe, we don’t drink whiskey at all. I’m not sure if you’d have the same brown eyes or if I’d have the same struggles or if we would laugh at the same stupid shit together. If our humor would be as dark. If we’d be as dark. Would we work out if we were different? Would I still want you if you were different, if I was different?
I’m not sure if alternate universes exist or if you stayed in another or if you left me just like you did in this one. I don’t know if this is the only shot we get. I don’t know if our fate transferred across galaxies and timestamps and different versions of ourselves. I have a feeling we don’t get another chance elsewhere. At least, I hope not.
Because it would kill me to know I’m with you somewhere I can’t feel.
I’m not sure how this works, what goes on in your mind, why I am the way I am, and why things have to be so hard. I don’t know physics and I know less about outer space than I’d like to admit, despite taking astronomy in college. There is so many things I can never know for sure, but I trust the feeling I get in my stomach when you look at me and smile and everything feels like it just stops.
And even though it hurts, I’m glad I got to share all of this with you, even if it was only for a little while, in one universe, in one lifetime.
At least we got that.